ask jesus

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Want to talk to Jesus? I mean REALLY talk to him and for the first time REALLY get a reply? Well one way is to buy a Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Talking Head. However, for the cheapskates amongst you, there is another way: simply post your question here. Or, if you simply want enlightenment, just read his clever and witty pearls of wisdom. All the questions posted are from real people (in some cases, barely) like yourself. All answers come from Submissive Jesus himself.

No question is taboo for the Sub J, so ask anything you like. He will reply faster than you can say "Delusional Prayer Nut." Be sure and check back after you've posted your question to see Mr. Christ's response.

CLICK TO SEND JESUS YOUR QUESTION

BELOW ARE ALL THE QUESTIONS SUB JESUS HAS ANSWERED AS OF 02/02/10

I saw the new Submissive Jesus commercial on youtube. Where did you get those smoking hot babes???
SUB JESUS: Hey, I'm Jesus. If I can get billions of morons to believe I am God, how hard do you think it is for me to get some poon?

Should I love my enemies?
SUB JESUS: Hell no! Smoke those bastards!

Have you ever seen the documentry on the internet /Zeitgeist . proves
jesus is a mythology based on stars and the sun?
SUB JESUS: The Internet? What's that?

I WAS SERIOUS WHEN I WANTED TO TALK TO JESUS YOU MAKE A JOKE OUT OF HIM,HE
HAS DONE A LOT FOR ME ,YOU ARE A REAL JOKE ,IF ANY ONE OF YOU WA T TO TALK
TO JESUS JUST GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND TALK,WAIT A FEW MIN.HE MAY ANSWER
YOUR PRAYER THEN BELIEVE ME HE WILL ANSWER YOU JUST BELIEVE,MAY HE BLESS YOU
,PEGGY
SUB JESUS: That's right, Peggy. This is a joke. And I think it's time to up the dosage of your meds a little bit.

SORRY. THIS IS NOT FOR YOU,I JUST TO ASK GOD TO FORGIVE ME FOR WRITING TO YOU ,I
DID NOT KNOW YOU WAS JUST A SICK JOKE IF I KNEW EHO YOU REALLY WAS I WOULD
PRAY FOR YOU,I GUESS YOU WILL HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS IN HELL,PEGGY
SUB JESUS: If you say so. Remember what I said about those meds. Do the nurses at the asylum know you're using their computer?

what happens when you die do you go to heaven or hell?
SUB JESUS: Neither. You decompose, unless you are cremated. Then you melt away. Sorry dear, dems the facts.

Hey SJ, what's the deal with no shipping to California residents? I know it's far from being the promised land and all but how can you keep us from spreading your word. There are really a bunch of us out here that would really enjoy a toy like this. I know we're a fucked up state and all, but how can you persecute all of us for the stupidity of a few, well a lot of the majority? Anguished Atheist
SUB JESUS: Jesus has more important things to do than collect sales taxes. If I am shipped to California, there is sales tax. So...no shipping to California. Problem solved.

Jesus, will I live a long healthy life and get through feeling sick so that I can fulfill my destiny of helping others? You put a dream in my heart and that is to write a christian book to help others, you have also told me to be still and have faith. Please will you help me fulfill my dreams. Patti
SUB JESUS: Nobody should know too much about their destiny. Didn't you see Back to the Future? Anyway, I put nothing in your heart. Everything you think and feel comes from your brain, not from an imaginary sky daddy.

Hello, This is Patti. I want to know if this is for real. It seems like its being made fun of Jesus. I sent in a question and know a regular person is going to answer it. Also the head of Jesus is not nice, it makes Jesus look goofy. Jesus is beautiful, and also Jesus talks to us through our prayers to Him. It seems like you are makinf fun of Wonderful Jesus.
SUB JESUS: This is your second question, isn't it? Chill out, darling. I am a toy. Jesus is imaginary. When you hear his voice in your head you are hearing what rational people call, "an inner monologue." You are either very young, very brainwashed, very naive or live in the south. Whichever it is, don't get riled over the words of a plastic toy. If you're very young, you'll grow out of it. If you're brainwashed, you might smarten up over time, if you're naive, it's anybody's guess how you'll turn out, if you're from the south, you can move. Here's a tip to help you on the road to recovery: when you pray, replace Jesus with Bugs Bunny. When you imagine Jesus answering you, imagine Roger Ramjet. I promise you, your prayers will be answered (or not answered) with the exact same accuracy results. Many delusional folks have recovered over time. One just has to be willing to give up the fantasy world of comfort. It's not easy, but you can do it.

I just received my Submissive Jesus head, it was a present from my (catholic but loving) husband Jayme. It's even better than i tought because now, not only i can have all my prayers answered but i can also have a dinner with god himself. The free pass out of hell it's very important for me too since i was the most popular girl in college, plus i'm a lawyer and an atheist, so i'm pretty sure my drink is guaranteed in the VIP section of hell. Anyway, thank you for all that. Best wishes.
SUB JESUS: You're very welcome. Enjoy your head, and remember; pray responsibly.

Should I east sushi?
SUB JESUS: Sure. As long as it's cooked properly.

This is the rant guy: I am sorry for all that yelling I sent your way. Next time I feel the need to get angry and scream, I'll just play with myself or something. It's just really fun rambling to toys, but that's no excuse. Anyhow, despite my last e-mail, you'll still let me into Heaven after I die right? I've heard rumors that you let Hitler into your place since he was a Christian.....(whereas all those Jews he tortured and killed are now in Hell, as they should be for doubting You Lord!) So I'll be let in too won't I? (Into Heaven that is!)
SUB JESUS: Heaven and Hell are imaginary. Don't obsess over it. Enjoy your life. Get laid once in awhile. You'll be just fine.

Jesus, where have you been? You haven't been updating this page lately.
SUB JESUS: Jesus is a busy guy. I update when I can. Right now we're getting ready for the new movie that I appear in, The God Complex, and that's taking up much of my time. I have personal appearances in tree trunks and tacos all over America that keep me running.

So let me get to my point: Why don't you help people who suffer more? It seems to me only evil people get to have any fun in this life. So either you're really evil yourself, Satan is cooler then you cause he helps the evil do their evil, or you're just lazy and you don't care. So which is it Jesus!? WHICH IS IT!? It can't be because you're not real because I'm talking to you right now! So why Jesus? WHY!?
SUB JESUS: As you're no doubt aware, your question was condensed down from a much longer bellowing (this is the ask Jesus page, not the rant at a plastic toy page). So I'll take your one question and answer it. It is because like Satan, Santa, the tooth fairy and the Sandman, I am imaginary. Just because you talk to me doesn't make me real. How many people talk to God or worse yet, pay money to evangelists on behalf of God? As a toy, I'm real. As an all powerful sky daddy who can grant your wishes...well...you'd be better off with a letter to Santa. Merry Christmyass.

I'm told that you will be appearing in a new movie called "The God Complex." Is this true?
SUB JESUS: Yes, it is true. You will see me prominently displayed in that movie, which will be coming out in 2009. You can read all about it here

As You know Lord, You said in Matthew 5:42 that if anyone asks a Christian for ANYTHING, that they had to give it to them without question. Well, today I asked a few various Christians online to give me some cash...and they are all CLEARLY ignoring me! Will you please send the boys out to deal with them and collect my dough?
SUB JESUS: I was misquoted. What I really said was that if someone asks you for anything, give it to them, as in slug them for being such moochers. Naturally, they got the quotes wrong. Now if you want to get money from Christians, do what the smart ones do - get on television and offer tap water or phony miracle healings in exchange for money. The cash will pour in, I guarantee it.

SJ do you smoke weed? If not could you at least suggest that your followers try it? They need to chill out and embrace reality.
SUB JESUS: First, You think smoking weed will get my followers to embrace reality? They already live in a deluded reality, thanks to the bible. If they were to smoke weed, they'd be no less delusional, but they would then have the munchies too. As far as embracing reality goes, I'm afraid that getting a Christian to embrace reality is like trying to get a vegan to embrace a veal cutlet.

Thank you SJ for your sound wisdom. I got a little carried away with the weed thing. I was only hoping to calm those delusional folks down a little. I can see now the error of my thinking. If only they could see through their delusion the world would be a better place. Please keep up the fight to enlighten their Ignorance.
SUB JESUS: As long as people continually buy me, listen to me, laugh with me, interact with me, share me with their friends, the Submissive Jesus will reign supreme...one intelligent soul at a time.

Do you feel it's right to make fun of religious people and their faith?
SUB JESUS: It may not be right, but it sure is a lot of laughs.

What do you think Jesus will say to you on Judgement day?
SUB JESUS: The same thing Luke Skywalker, Tarzan, Sherlock Holmes and Superman will say to me...nothing. They're all fictitious characters.

Was 911 an inside job. As the documentary Loose Change 2 details?
SUB JESUS: Inside job? You think they could mastermind a conspiracy and keep it secret? Our government can't keep a blowjob secret. 9/11 was caused by religious fanatics who think that their god has a bigger dick than your god. Well, I'm here to tell you, there is NO bigger dick than the god of the bible.

Hi Jesus, Since you know everything, can you please explain what the fuck is happening on “Lost”?
It makes no sense to me. Thanks Jesus, I know how busy you are answering questions and doing miracles.
Hey wait a minute, there really haven’t been any miracles in a couple thousand years. No more people being healed of leprosy, not being blind anymore, having food in the desert, and such. And nobody is throwing money lenders out of temple either! Come on man, what gives? Too busy to help us out anymore?
You suck.
SUB JESUS: Lost is a TV show. It's not supposed to make sense...like the bible. And like the bible, if you think about it, naturally it's not going to make any sense. Just go with it and try not to think too much. And who says I'm not still doing miracles? Do you think Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Paris Hilton would have careers if it weren't for me? And leave us not forget the last James Bond movie. You think the movie would have been successful with that weird looking guy in the lead if it weren't for some divine intervention? Wise up.

Can you make an aim bot to answer questions from you're site.
SUB JESUS: No automation here. Unlike the Biblical Jesus, we're real, live and always here for you.

Why don't you use rechargable lithium batteries in our Jesus heads? When the batteries die the fun ends.
SUB JESUS: Alkaline batteries should do you just fine. They should last months, even years. If they're going out sooner...maybe you're just praying too much.

So when are you coming back? I'd like to meet you.
SUB JESUS: I never left. I'm easy to find. Superstition, ignorance and mythology have been here since the beginning of time. And wherever you find those, you'll find me.

I've been reading the responses you post to the questions on here. How did you get so witty?
SUB JESUS: Havn't you heard? I used to hang around with 12 gay guys. They were quite scintillating.

I bet you'd sell a lot more heads if you lowered your price.
SUB JESUS: We sell enough, but thanks for the tip.

What's your problem?
SUB JESUS: You.

Hello. I love your new commercial. The guy playing Jesus is hot! How can I get a part acting in one of your future commercials? I am female, 5' 6", 110lbs. and am very sweet and cute. Can I send you a picture or something? Wendy
SUB JESUS: You sound like my kind of woman. You know I'd have to extensively test you on the casting cross. Send your picture to Pirromount Pictures PO Box 7520 Van Nuys, Ca. 91409. They produce all our ads.

Dear Jebus, Any chance you could just go ahead and have the rapture right away and take your followers out of here? There's 6 billion people, and, well, we're overpopulating the earth! Maybe if you took all your good little christian followers on up to heaven like they want, then the rest of us could try to fix the environment without them here. They're mostly just sitting around waiting for your big apoocalypse anyway. Just a thought.
SUB JESUS: I appreciate the sentiment, but we don't want them up here either. We're building a giant prison camp to keep them all in when we finally do get them here. Unfortunately, it won't be ready until at least 2089. There is not enough Mexican labor up here yet. and God's just passed some new tough immigration laws.

Oh most blessed submissive one, I read at http://www.webspawner.com/users/intvirgin/ that you suffered a terrible infection after your circumcision, and it had the be cut off. Does that have anything to do with your masochism, d'you think? Jobar.
SUB JESUS: It's very possible. The good news is that it was like losing a baby tooth, and it grew right back. Pretty fortunate, huh?

Will you make a Xenu or L. Ron Hubbard talking head?
SUB JESUS: Doubtful. They have better lawyers than we do.

Submissive Jesus, Why do we have publc hair? I think it's gross. Its a pain in the ass to shave too!
SUB JESUS: Pubic hair is the angel's dental floss, my dear. Have you considered waxing?

Can you put me on your list for a suicidal Mohammad Head? Thank you.
SUB JESUS: If we get enough orders, you're on. Right now, the numbers aren't big enough to justify the expense. Hell, creating me was pretty expensive. But thank dad, I'm more popular than that imaginary sand lizard.

Why don't you get rid of Scientology?
SUB JESUS: Not a good idea. Then Tom Cruise and John Travolta would probably become serial killers.

Submissive Jesus, Can you lower the price of cocaine here on earth? It's way too expensive.
SUB JESUS: I can't even do anything about gas prices. You can try praying hard and long to my heavenly father...or rubbing a rabbit's foot for ten seconds - same result.

Submissive Jesus, why are atheists so much more intelligent than theists?
SUB JESUS: It's just a brain defect that causes them to confuse reality with fantasy. Truth be told, there are many intelligent theists, but genetically their brains will not allow their intelligence to seep over into the fantasy side (Ben Stein is a perfect example). It's like someone' brain after suffering a stroke. The stroke victim can be very intelligent, but the part of his brain that expresses that intelligence might be damaged. Pretty much the same thing regarding theists. The part of their brain that separates biblical myth with scientific reality is damaged.

I am a Christian and I can not expres to you how much you're toy offends me.
SUB JESUS: I'm sure you can't, but try. Just get a dictionary, and an adult with some kind of grasp on the english language and you'll do fine.

Hey Jesus, it's Bill from Australia. I got my Submissive Jesus head a few days ago. It was the life of a party we had yesterday. Now all my friends want to borrow it.
SUB JESUS: Don't let them. Tell them to buy their own, cheap bastards.

Jesus is lord! I think what you're doing is really really sick.
SUB JESUS: Which thing that I'm doing are you referring to: entertaining intelligent people or answering an email from a person who still hasn't figured out that Jesus and the tooth fairy are the same person?

How's "The God Complex" coming along?
SUB JESUS: Glad you asked. Our friends over at Pirromount Pictures tell us that they are moving along on it quite nicely. Check out their information page.

Your an arrigant asshole. Does it bother you that you will be spending an eternity in Hell?
SUB JESUS: No, but obviously it bothers YOU.

How often do you Jerk Off?
SUB JESUS: Exactly 1/3rd the amount of times you do. I'll leave you to do the math.

Dear JC,
Why do so many people claim that you exist when there is no evidence whatsoever that you ever walked the earth? Why is it that more than half of all Americans believe that the gospels are actually true when it's common knowledge that they were written about 30 to 60 years after you allegedly lived (And there's dialog in the New Testament. How did these people retain the exact conversations verbatim?). It is commonly accepted that the gospels are second-hand accounts; did Christians miss the memo? You can't say, "Well there's Josephus." Even theologians agree that Josephus's works are not credible, and the parts that mention Jesus of Nazareth (two in total) were added in by other writers. What's more, there were dozens of other so-called 'messiahs' who led the same exact life as you, being born of a virgin, healing the sick, eating a last supper, and being crucified, who just had a different name. Honestly, it pisses me off that so many theists and even atheists believe that Jesus actually lived. Please send more evidence. :(
SUB JESUS: This question comes up a lot (see below). I think I address the answer to your first question there. Moreover, people believe because they WANT to believe. Yes, there were hundreds of other messiahs in those days. I just had the best PR agent. You want to know the truth? Jesus never walked the earth and I, a plastic toy, have much more credibility.

I officially write you too much, and it's because I love you (not the mythological Jesus, but you). I was just introduced to Dikipedia and thought I would share Pat Robertson's dick wiki in case you haven't seen it. Well, actually I just wanted to share one specific topic. It reads, "Pat Robertson, who is grossly homophobic, claims he can leg-press 2,000 pounds, a remarkable feat for a 76 year-old prostate cancer survivor. It should be noted that the leg-press is officially recognized by the World Federation of Homosexual Athletics as the single gayest exercise ever developed." hardy harr harr.
SUB JESUS: You DO write too much. What is this, your third or forth letter? If you just bought a Submissive Jesus head, you would be able to talk to me in person and spare yourself writer's cramp. Anyway, it wouldn't surprise me if it came out one day that Pat Robertson had a homosexual experience somewhere in his past. Most conservatives are sexually repressed (Senator Craig of Idaho, Jimmy Swaggart, Catholic Priests - pick any, etc.), so whether their sexual fantasy is with a 14 year old boy, a 43 year old hooker or a young man in a bathroom stall, they're all human, and human have sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are natural but unaccepted by the religious. Religious thoughts are unnatural but accepted by society. It's an upside down world. Sometimes one can feel like Charlton Heston on the Planet of the Apes (science rest his soul).

Seriously, who do so many people still believe in God?
SUB JESUS: Seriously? It's all part of brain wiring and our DNA. Many humans are hard-wired to buy into the god mythology, because of thousands of years of indoctrination. Sort of like how centuries of inbreeding spawns banjo players, wife beaters and republicans.

I pray you stop making this toy and worship the god who created you.
SUB JESUS: You've misdirected your prayers. Start with praying for people to stop buying it first. When there's no longer a demand, we will stop the supply. In Heaven, we call that the "trickle dumb theory."

Hey, are you looking forward to Bill Mahar's new movie, Religulous? What do you know about it? Do you think Christians will boycott it?
SUB JESUS: I am looking forward to the film. I know it's going to have the flavor and feel of "Borat." Will Christians boycott it? Probably. Especially if it's funny and clever.

Sup Dude: A two part question: Why is it that Christians can only use "big" words when quoting the bible (rhetorical question.)? The next question is more of a statement, but, to paraphrase Dawkins, why does our society feel that it's taboo or "tacky" to debate or ridicule Christians when debating or ridiculing anything else is perfectly acceptable? It's like our society knows that Christianity isn't true, but we should refrain from ridiculing Christians anyway because it would be like laughing if a mentally handicapped person mistakenly ate a crayon. Actually, it's exactly like that.
SUB JESUS: For your first question, I don't know many Christians who use big words. And believe me, I know a lot of Christians. 70 percent of them don't have a vocabulary beyond a sixth grade level. No lie. Regarding your second question, the reason most of our society share the taboo of ridiculing religion is because most of our society is religious. It's not advisable to make fun of Jar Jar Binks if you walked into a Star Wars convention.

I have a serious question. I know it's weird to place a serious question here, but after reading the wit and wisdom you have given to other people here, I thought I'd give it a shot. Here goes: I am a single mother with a two year old daughter and I am reluctant to tell her about Santa Claus. I don't want to lie to her and being in an Athiest family, she's safe from the delusional world of gods. But, I don't want to deprive her of the fun and joy that is Santa Claus. I mean it's fun to believe as a kid, right? I don't know what to do. I have established a relationship with her that mommy always tells the truth and Santa would be a lie, right? So, I await your wisdom. She's starting to wonder because her friends' parents play the whole Santa thing.
SUB JESUS: I would tell her that Santa is a made up fantasy, just like god is a made up fantasy, but you both can still have fun with it. Tell her that there are millions of people who believe in god and we know he's made up, right? You can chuckle with her when someone preaches the word of Jesus. Take that same mentality into the Santa realm, because they're not that different (except for the age bracket). Tell her 'we can pretend Santa's real for the benefit of the babies out there, and because it's fun to pretend.' Assure her that she will still get as many presents as her Santa believing friends, but when they ask what Santa got her, you and she can wink at each other as she tells them that Santa has been very kind to her too. I think you will find that more bonding than pretending that Santa really exists until they reach the age of reason. I think if more parents did that with the god delusion, the world would be a better place.

God is real! Jesus is real! You talk like it doesn't make sense, but it does. I don't know why you can't see it. God gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for your sins. He died, was buried and rose from the dead to ascend into heaven. How much plainer can it be???
SUB JESUS: Nice argument. I take it you're just repeating things you've heard since childhood. I know that story makes sense to you, but if you were brought up being told that the story of Jesus was a fairy tale and the story of Jack and the Beanstalk was true, today you'd be praying to cans of lima beans, justifying a goose that lays golden eggs, and fearing a big evil giant in the sky.

So when is the Suicidal Muhammad head due to hit the market?
SUB JESUS: We're taking advance orders now. When we have a commitment for at least 2500, we'll go into production. We have 348 so far. If you'd like to be on a list, just leave us your email and we'll contact you when we're in production.

Dear Wizard of OOPS. Dear Submissive Jesus,
I love the answers you give to all of the questions. If we were to look behind the curtain, would we just find a little old filmmaker or a group working on the answers?
SUB JESUS: The mighty and powerful Submissive Jesus will only grant that answer if you bring me the broom stick...oops...uh... Rolls Royce...of the wicked evangelist of the west: Pat Robertson.

I don’t know who your ‘target’ market is for this product, but it can’t be a very large segment of the population. Haven’t you figured out yet that it’s really tacky to make fun of someone who the majority of the American population reveres as God? It’s not funny; it’s stupid, irreverent and cowardly. If you’re looking for kicks and attention at the expense of someone’s faith, why don’t you joke about Mohammad and see what happens? Diane
SUB JESUS: Our 'target' market is anyone with a sense of humor who doesn't live in a fantasy world; which consists of about 18% Americans, 11% New Zealanders, 23% Hungarians, 40% Europeans, 27% Russians and a whopping 88% East Germans. We make enough to guarantee that this toy'll be around for quite some time. But, you know what's REALLY tacky? Multi-millioinaires like Benny Hinn, Robert Schuller, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Peter Popoff, Billy Graham or any of the other hundreds of evangelists out there soliciting money from ignorant sheep like you who believe that they will be rewarded by their invisible sky daddy. We're settling for a little less cash, but we sleep better at night knowing that we're not taking advantage of weak-willed patrons. So you don't find it funny? Well with due respect, millions do (just ask anyone who follows Bill Maher). Stupid? Maybe, but so is the mythology it's based on. Irreverent? Definitely! Cowardly? Hey, we're risking an eternity in Hell, darling, so I'd say that makes us braver than YOU. Anyway, I imagine you worship a god, so you'll forgive me if it's a little tough to take your opinion seriously. And by the way, before you're so quick to believe we're afraid of making jokes about Muhammad, check out Submissive Jesus commercial #4. We have the good old prophet himself starring in it, and he actually blows his holy ass up when he finds out we have plans to make a "Suicidal Muhammad Head." Sorry to refute you, baby cakes, but unlike theists, we are not fear based. Thanks for writing.
HAHAHAHAHA - Good one Jesus. Don't let those Christian comments get you pissed. I'm sure these Jesus talking heads are selling well. I bought one for my brother and he can't stop telling me how much fun he's having with it (he's the only one in the office that has one, which makes him pretty unique)! I plan on buying one for myself.
SUB JESUS: Happy to hear that. And we're doing just fine. As I said in the above reply, we may not make as much as the wealthy evangelists who abuse naive victims of delusion, but when our customers send us their money, we give them something real: a toy they can have a good time with. Nothing more, nothing less. We're not taking money for false hopes, dreams, prayers, promises, delusional salvation or redemption. We are real, honest, fun and trustworthy. And that is all there is to it.

Hi there X-man (ya know, you being up on the X cross and all). You say you’re fictional and if that’s true then how are you able to answer questions? And why do I think its okay to be asking a fictional character questions in the first place? Am I a Christian?
SUB JESUS: Yes, I am fictional. But like all fictional characters, there is a real person behind me. That is who is answering your questions. It's okay to ask fictional characters questions in the same way geeks at Star Trek conventions treat actors as if they are the characters they portray. Regarding your third question: you seem very confused, so it stands to reason that yes, you are a Christian. Don't worry though, you are asking questions which means you're on the road to recovery and rationality. Give it time.
Thanks, X-man. Fast response. Faster than the "real" Jesus for sure.
Ha Ha. Got you. I'm not really a Christian! I was making it up! Twist that head. Twist it bad...
So here's to us, evolution and a succinctly prosperous and joyous long, long downstream future.
SUB JESUS: Ha Ha! I knew you weren't really a Christian, you had a vocabulary above a fifth grade level. Most letters we get from Christians are misspelled, poorly worded and as coherent as a stroke victim. Occasionally we'll get an intelligently worded letter from a Christian, but we're pretty sure that they paid someone to write it.

What are the lyrics to Jesus sings with the martians? that is FUNNY
SUB JESUS: It's a top 40 hit from 1963 by a group called The Ran-Dells. Just like the Bible, the words are hard to decipher and make little sense to a rational mind. But here they are:

"I got into my rocket ship to see the Martian Hop
I saw the planet shining red so there I made my stop
But as I opened up the door and climbed the ladder down
I saw the Martians on the floor a-dancin' to this sound
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee

I saw I was the first one there and so I was surprised
To see the Martians twist and stomp before my very eyes
They did the locomotion and the hully-gully too
I couldn't name a single dance the Martians couldn't do
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee

Now right around the stroke of twelve the dance had just begun
They earth kids parked their spaceship down on Mars to have some fun
And so I left my friends, the Martians, stomping on the ground
And even though I'm back on earth I still can hear this sound.
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee"

Sounds like something right out of Genesis, doesn't it?

It's assholes like you that make it hard to believe in God. You atheists think you're so smart with your "reason," and your ability to use "intellectualnessism." You better fucking hope that the real Jesus has some mercy left over from the crucifixion. How dare you make this "toy," or as I like to call it, "eternal damnation." What has this world come to? Next you'll be making a submissive Santa toy and claiming HE doesn't exist.
SUB JESUS: If we did invent such a toy, I wonder if six year olds would be sending us hate mail with the same love and compassion we get from their religious adult counterparts.

Mary must be a heavy sleeper or God must have a tiny dick if Mary truly thought she was a virgin. Hey, he really did make me in his image!
SUB JESUS: Mary wasn't really a virgin when dad nailed her. I mean, come on. She was well over 14 years old - perfect birthing age in Biblical times. Thank God it would be Milleniums before Chris Hansen would come along. By the way, not that it matters but I was an unplanned pregnancy. And if you're implying that God has a tiny penis because you may have a tiny penis, nothing could be further from the truth. Don't confuse 'image' with 'size.' God's penis spans three galaxies.

I have a friend who is really into you, Jesus, but it is destroying her life. She gives money away to televangelists that she can't afford. She reads the Bible constantly. She goes to numerous religious functions. She always feels guilty because she thinks she falls short of God's glory. I love her, but I can't take this anymore! How can I talk her out of this fantasy world of her GOD and introduce her to logic???? Moreover, how can I show her how destructive religion is in not only her life, but practically everyone's?
SUB JESUS: Using logic to explain the flaws in religion is like explaining to a wildfire how destructive it is. It can't hear you, it can't relate to you - or you to it, it can't even think. It just destroys because...well...that's what it does. All you can do is try to control the damage as best you can; assess the destruction, sift through the rubble, salvage what you can and move on. As long as people have an imagination and a deep seated need for this world to make sense, there will always be religion. It doesn't matter how much humans evolve, there will always be the weak-willed, who will cling to the fantasy. Sorry. Regarding your friend specifically: either accept her and her fantasy (no matter how destructive it is to her) or let her go and find some rational friend to replace her. Dems yer choices, bud!

I just want to ask Roger to pick up a book on fairy tales and compare the similarities.
SUB JESUS: Who's stopping you?

Mr. S.J., I know you don’t like fortune telling but what will happen on year 2012? And who’s gonna be our next Dictator? Hilary or Obama?
-ren
SUB JESUS: If I told you, it would disrupt the space/time/screw up/continuem. One should never know too much about one's own future. Didn't you see "Back to the Future?

You've played right into Satan's hands. It's incredible to see how active satan is today on earth. He deceives you. Just because you don't like a few Christians doesn't mean you have to through away your eternal salvation with God. The Bible predicted that a lot of people would turn there backs on God, and you're just one of them. God can handle it, trust me, but I hope that He, (who created you and really loves you through His Son Jesus Christ) will touch your life and turn you to Him, and you'll experience what a merciful God He really is. Get yourself a Bible and start reading the truth.   Cheers. Roger
SUB JESUS: Roger, you seem like a really decent guy so I won't lay into you too hard, but I think you've got that a little backward. I think you've played into FEAR's hands. Let's hope some day you'll stop being so afraid that there's finality to life and occasional unpleasantness in the world that you're powerless to change. All in all, life is good. Don't let that which is less than enjoyable fuck with your mind so much that you need to invent a god to make the suffering tolerable. Rationality is all one needs to get through life with relative ease. Secondly, you missed the ENTIRE point of this toy and this site. LISTEN rather then just react to the implication that you're a gullible, weak-willed, simple-minded fool who was sucked into the biggest con ever perpetrated upon man. You're just a fallible human who fell victim to his inherent weakness and fear of what he can't control. YOU can handle it, trust me. You've already taken the biggest and most important step on the road to true enlightenment; you have discovered one of the best religious deprogramming resources around. You're on your way, buddy. Now continue to read the truth. We're here waiting for you to join us when that day comes. And hopefully it will be soon.   I'll be thinking positive thoughts to aid you in your (hopefully eventual) conversion to rationality.

Can I work at the computer store?
SUB JESUS: Sure. Report for work Monday. 9am. Wear a tie.

Hey Jesus. Do you masturbate? If you do, do you think about boys or girls?
SUB JESUS: Why yes, I do masturbate.   And for what I think about, well...you're going to find this an amazing coincidence, but I think about you.

Why are Christians obsessed with telling everyone about you over and over again?
SUB JESUS: The same reason a dog licks his balls.

will inter milan win the champions league
SUB JESUS: I'm not a fortune teller, I only answer prayers under torture. If Inter milan prays to me hard enough and really humbles themselves before me, maybe...just maybe, I will help them. However, if their opponents buy one of me and twist my crown of thorns enough times, how can I not submit to their demands? I'm only human. No wait. I'm kinda human. Hold on. I'm the son of God. Why am I wasting my time even talking to your pitiful mortal ass?

I'm beginning to see The Submissive Jesus in some local stores. When will we see it in Walmart?
SUB JESUS: Submissive Jesus in Walmart stores?? You have a better shot waiting for the rapture to happen.

Thank you for lowering the price. Now I can finally afford a Jesus head.
SUB JESUS: We only lowered it by $8.00. Unless that's an hourly wage for you, I didn't think it would have such an impact. If you're Atheist, I'm sure you're making more than that. If you're Christian, I didn't mean to imply that you are making that much.

Whats it like having George Bush as a friend? Oh, and after seeing the "Submissive Jesus Ad #4" I was wondering if you could hook me up with the tooth fairy. I thought I should ask before I start knocking my teeth out just to.... Wait... You said yourself that you're a masochist, can I knock some of your teeth out?
SUB JESUS: Number one, George Bush is not my friend and I am sick and tired of him dropping my name to make himself look ignorant...er...good. Number two, the tooth fairy is in a committed relationship with the sandman. Sorry, but they've been together for 1799 years. It looks serious. (by the way, you can see her getting boned by Mr. Sandman in Submissive Jesus ad #3) Number three, you can knock my teeth out, but in three days, they'll just grow back in again. Ha!

I was a Christian for over 25 years and I have found more wisdom and insight on this page than in all the religious books I studied. I find the more I allow myself to doubt and think, the more I pull away from Christianity. I'm not completely turning my back on it, but religion is getting further and further from my heart. It's odd that a toy like the Submissive Jesus and this answer page would help me see how stupid I have been.
SUB JESUS: Don't be so hard on yourself. A part of your brain has been infected with the virus of religion and it's a very tough vault to crack. This cancer has been with you presumably since you were little, right? Anything that has influenced you that long ago, when your brain was just forming, won't simply go away. When your logical system is invaded at such a young age, intelligence won't kill it, science won't kill it, reason won't kill it. Only your own immune system and the will to embrace reality will give you a fighting chance. Sounds like you're on the road to recovery. Welcome to reality.

I want a Submissive Jesus head, but I don't want to pay $30 for it. Give me a discount!
SUB JESUS: Hey, who's the Jew around here, you or me? Pay full price, Hymie.

If people who know about Jesus and don't believe in you go to hell, aren't people who never heard of you better off?
SUB JESUS: If people never heard of me, the WORLD would be better off.

Prayer works. You should try it some time.
SUB JESUS: When you're superstitious, a lot of things work. Flipping a coin works, rubbing a horseshoe works, holding a rabbit's foot works, wishing upon a star works...BUT twisting the crown of thorns on your lord and savior REALLY works. Try me.

All I want to say is this: 90% of the world believes in God. Faith in God is not a blind leap into the dark, it is safe step into a well-lit room where 90% of people are already standing.
SUB JESUS: How many moths fly into spotlights during night baseball games? 90% sounds about right. Enjoy the light of ignorance, my friend. We 10% will bask in the darkness of reality. And while we're on the subject of numbers; there was once a time when 100% of the world believed the world was flat and the sun revolved around the earth. Majority doesn't necessarily rule when it comes to intelligence.

You Submissive Jesus, Where you been? You're not answering questions as fast as you used to. Wassup?
SUB JESUS: Hey, Sub Jesus is a busy man!! You think Earthquakes, Hurricaines, global warming, mine shaft cave ins and other natural disasters happen by themselves?   Give a God a break! You think all I do is hang around this site and answer questions? I've got lives to disrupt.

I don't know if I buy into that whole virgin birth thing. Come on, be honest. Was your mother really a virgin?
SUB JESUS: Of course she was. The Bible says she was! Hell, we were all virgins at one time. Of course, what the Bible doesn't tell you is that she lost her virginity around the age of 10. I lost mine at 14, riding a horse. Long story.

What do you call all these people who believe you are a myth?
SUB JESUS: Intellects.

Dear SJ, Did they really have to remake INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and HALLOWEEN? Aren't you getting sick and tired of all these remakes and sequels?
SUB JESUS: Yes I am. That's what we get for allowing people to have free will. Believe me, if I saw all these lame remakes and sequels coming, there would have been an 11th commandment.

Who does your dental work? You have great teeth.
SUB JESUS: Thank you. I go to Zeus' dentist. He's great. No pain at all (not that pain would bother me, as I'm a masochist, you know).

Dear Submissive Jesus: I bought one of your heads at an online store called Wicked Cool Stuff, and now they're out of them.   I want another one. When will they get more in?
SUB JESUS: You don't need to wait for them to get more in. Just go to the ORDER NOW section of this website. I can't believe that you couldn't just figure that out for yourself. Does everyone have to do the thinking for you (If you're Christian, I understand and apologize).

Where is Osama Bin Laden?
SUB JESUS: Right this minute? Disneyland. He's hiding in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

now this is for GOD and you, JESUS. what would you do if someone really, really pissed you off??
SUB JESUS: Depends on if it's a man or a woman. If it's a man, I'd probably make him impotent...if it's a woman, I'd probably make her marry a Christian (same result).

When is the next Submissive Jesus commercial coming out? I think they're great.
SUB JESUS: Soon. Keep checking back.

Were you upset over the Chocolate Jesus art exhibit that got banned in New York?
SUB JESUS: A little. If they were going to make me out of dark chocolate, you'd think they would have given me a bigger penis.

Hi Jesus, how are You? I have a question for You about hell. I've read Your book and I notice that You talk about hell more then Heaven in the gospels so I figure You'd know the answer to this question. I know that if people don't accept You as their personal savior, when they die their soul gets sent to hell forever and ever, and I know that hell is a very real place and hot as...well...hell. But my question is, do people eventually get used to it kinda like how people get used to being in a hot tub?
SUB JESUS: Hell isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. In fact, I own property there - a small three bedroom villa that overlooks a lake of fire. It's beautiful at night. However, I digress. When people get to Heaven and see how boring it is, they're all begging to take weekend vacations in Hell. Regarding the fire and getting used to it thing: when you die, you no longer have nerves to feel pain, so fire will have no effect on you. We only make it sound threatening to scare the Christians (who aren't clever enough to figure that out). We don't want them desiring to go there, so we can keep Hell free of anger, violence, prejudice and ignorance.

What's your favorite religion, Christian or Jew?
SUB JESUS: That's like asking me what do I prefer, diarrhea or constipation? ALL religions equally annoy me.

Once the world is destroyed, who will carry on?
SUB JESUS: Damn dirty apes.

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
SUB JESUS: I appreciate the compliment, but if THIS is the funniest thing you've ever seen then you need to get out to more comedy clubs...or churches.

Hey son my grandkid Lucifer wants to know if your aware you've share a few of monikers?
You know prince of peace, bringer of dawn all that? Yeah also his cousin Osiris and that damned Mithras kid too (arggg). Must be a dozen of em. Shared names that is. He's asked me to tell you because he's too busy getting head from all his followers, you got the monikers son but you should really consider having more fun, give Lucky a call, he'll get ya in with some hotties who really know how to party.
SUB JESUS: Be truthful. Are your parents out of town and you've gotten access to their liquor cabinet and computer?

Where exactly is Heaven located? I can't find it on any map.
SUB JESUS: We're about 15,000 light years beyond galactic central. When you hit Ubadubba land, you make a sharp left. You travel about 10 thousand more light years and you can't miss us. There's a big golden fence in the front with the words "Welcome to Heaven" at the top. The V is missing though. We've been meaning to get if fixed, but who has the time? And since most of our residents are rednecks, there's some furniture on the lawn, and some cars up on blocks.

Hey Submissive Jesus, great product!! Are you going to be having any Christmas specials?
SUB JESUS: It's possible, but I can't predict the future. Who do you think I am, Nostradamus?

You must think we're a bunch of morons.
SUB JESUS: When you say we, who are you referring to, Christians or people who get upset over a toy?

I just wanna know one thing...Could you make a burrito so hot that you yourself could not eat it?
SUB JESUS: I can't. Not because I'm not capable, but because I'm not a very good cook. I do, however, make a mean wine cooler.

You people really annoy me. You think you're all high and mighty with you're stupid punk ass toy. I have never seen a website that was such a waste of time or money. Why don't you try saying something intelligent?
SUB JESUS: You first.

I CAN NOT believe that you put Mohammad in your last commercial!!!!!!!
SUB JESUS: Hey, the man needs work. He got bored. He went through those 72 virgins in a month.

This has to be the greatest invention to come along since the creation of the wheel.
SUB JESUS: I wouldn't go that far, but I will admit to being the best thing to come along since Oral Roberts.

I pity you.
SUB JESUS: Don't pity me, I'm just a plastic toy. Pity yourself. You're the one getting upset over this.

I am so sick and tired of people ridiculing my faith. It doesn't take any smarts to make a product like this.
SUB JESUS: Nobody said it did. But tell me, how many smarts does it take to talk to an imaginary friend and worship magic? Just curious.

Hi there Jesus. Can I call you Jesus? I just saw your new commercial. Don't get upset. Take comfort in knowing that some of us appreciate the sacrifice you made for us.
SUB JESUS: I wouldn't really call it a sacrifice. I mean, I didn't stay dead, did I? If I had stayed dead, then it would have been a sacrifice. I was only out of it for three days. No big deal, kinda like spending a weekend in Panorama City. And besides, Heaven has a great health plan for martyrs. Oh by the way, you can't call me Jesus. I'm MR. CHRIST to you.

Hey Jesus, what's going on? We haven't talked in a while. Everything is good down here on Earth, you followers are a bit on the up-tight side, as always. Anyway, enough beating around the burning bush. I've been searching for a job and I am still jobless. You offered me a job a while back and I was wondering if I could take you up on the offer. So get back to me on that and I'll find the quickest way to heaven. Later Jesus. Sincerely, Chris.
SUB JESUS: Yes, my followers are uptight. If you never had good sex and your best friend was imaginary, you'd be uptight too. Regarding a job, how big are you? We need a bouncer at the pearly gates to keep out the Catholics. They still think they're welcome here and when they find out the truth, most just won't leave quietly. That's really all we have available, save for a few custodial positions. Did I mention you have to be dead to work up here?
Well I'll take the job. I'm not very muscular but I do have a thing for weapons. I figure if someone un-welcomed were to visit without the proper I.D. or your word I would just put holes in him/her/it or just cut it head off. Yes, I know I have to be dead. If I kill myself now...does that mean I have to job when I get there?
SUB JESUS: If you kill yourself, you go to Hell (suicide is a sin), so looks like you're going to have to lead a good Christian life and die of natural causes. Then, when you arrive here, MAYBE we'll give you a job. No promises though, since God has the final word and he's so into nepotism.

In an earlier question, you said that someone is "wasting their life" worshipping God. I don't see it as "wasting my life." I have had a relationship with God all my life and it has been anything but a waste of time. He has brought much joy and success in my life and if I was to find out there was no God at the end of my life, I would hardly call it a waste.
SUB JESUS: I'm happy for you. However, if you had a lifelong relationship with a spouse who gave you joy and you believed loved you, yet told you what to see, think and say, took 10% of your money, restricted you from your own thoughts, demanded that you worship him/her unconditionally under the threat of eternal pain, ... and then you found out at the end of your life that he was a complete figment of your imagination, wouldn't you call that a waste? Enjoy your delusion. See you in the afterlife.

I just read that your putting Mohammad in one of your commercials? are you nuts? You'll get your ass blown up!! Aren't you concerned for your safety?
SUB JESUS: Nah. Security's been pretty tight up here in Heaven ever since Anna Nicole Smith arrived.

Dear Creator of Submissive Jesus, I’m a Christian, but I see the humor in what you’re doing and I don’t find it offensive, just ignorant. Hey, but if I’m right then I go to heaven, if you’re right then nothing happens, I figure why take the chance.
SUB JESUS: Ah, Pascal's Wager. If you're wrong, it isn't that nothing happens: If you're wrong, you've wasted the only life you have worshiping, praying to, singing to, giving money to, and living to please a fictitious leader...and scoring brownie points for a better life that doesn't exist. One other point: Geography, not rationality, dictates your beliefs. You're a Christian, you worship Christ. If you were brought up in Iraq, you'd be praying to Muhammad, if you were brought up in India, you'd be worshipping Lord Ganesha. If you were brought up in Denmark during the time of the vikings, you'd be praying to Thor and his mighty hammer, if you were brought up in ancient Greece, you'd be praying to Zeus and Apollo, if you were brought up in Africa, you'd be praying to the great Ju Ju at the bottom of the sea. I'm sorry, what was that you were saying about ignorance?

MapQuest does have a map to Hell, it’s in Michigan.
SUB JESUS: Really? I'm still getting over Intercourse, Pa.

My girlfriend is a Christian. She talks to God all the time. She claims he answers back. I have never had this experience. How come she gets to have conversations with God and I can't??
SUB JESUS: You have something that gets between you and god, it's called..a brain.

I bought a Submissive Jesus head and showed it to the priest of my church. He wasn't too impressed. He suggested I get rid of it. Would it be a sin for me to tell him that I got rid of it, but kept it anyway?
SUB JESUS: It would be a bigger sin if you listened to this guy. Anybody who wears skirts, talks to imaginary beings, and hasn't had sex in decades is not the kind of person you want to take advice from.

Dear Submissive Jesus, I want to make C, or possibly D or E grade movies. But I have no money, less talent and fewer ideas. What can I do? Is there anything I can buy to help me?
SUB JESUS: With today's technology, one can make a movie with simply a camcorder, a PC and an internet connection. You think most Youtube videos have budgets? If you haven't already, check out our commercials. Collectively, those were shot for less money than gassing up a Prius at Arco. Need more help? Check out this site. They've made features films for under $1000. Now get busy.

Jesus, how can I make my breasts look bigger?
SUB JESUS: Date men with small hands.

I wish I thought of this.
SUB JESUS: There are over 200 gods out there. Pick another one and go nuts.

Do you ever stop to think that you're angering Christians?
SUB JESUS: Do you ever stop to think that many were angry long before we came onto the scene? Oh by the way, after you stop to think, did you ever consider starting up again?

I can't believe that this drek got television coverage! Shows how dumb the media has become.
SUB JESUS: I agree. It's much easier to believe in parting waters, virgin births, talking serpents, 40 day floods and dead men rising.

You think you're hot, don't you?
SUB JESUS: Actually quite the opposite. I think I'm cool.

How can I get one of the "limited edition" autographed and numbered? I'll pay anything 4-1.
SUB JESUS: Check ebay. They turn up there from time to time.

Why are your followers so rude, arrogant, and vial?
SUB JESUS: They want to emulate the God of the Bible, who has all those exact same traits.

Dear Jesus, I am Muslim. Why don't you provide 72 virgins to your faithful, like the Muslims do? Then I might convert to Christianity.
SUB JESUS: What you Muslims don't know is that the 72 virgins are overweight gay nuns.

If I become a reseller, how many Jesus heads do I have to acquire?
SUB JESUS: A minimum of 20, see our reseller's page.

So your middle name is "Hallowed" eh? I always thought it was "Fucking," as in "Jesus Fucking Christ." When did it get changed?
SUB JESUS: That was my mother's maiden name. I went with it briefly in my teens, but it didn't look good on a driver's license, so I dropped it.

Do you get paid for personal appearances?
SUB JESUS: Not really. I do, however, make a few bucks for appearing in cheese and tree sap.

What are the first words in the Bible?
SUB JESUS: "Once upon a time..."

I think your an idiot! AN IDIOT!!! AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
SUB JESUS: You're yelling at a plastic statue. I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Dear Jesus, are you a christian or a Jew?
SUB JESUS: Neither. I'm a Pepper (you 80's theists will know what I mean).

Submissive Jesus, why do christians put fish logos on the back of their cars to represent their faith?
SUB JESUS: Because if they put Dodo birds back there, nobody would get it.

Do you have any pets?
SUB JESUS: No, unless you count all the sheep that follow me around.

Who is your role model?
SUB JESUS: I always thought Zeus was pretty cool. After that, Owen Wilson.

What's your favorite movie?
SUB JESUS: The God Complex. It hasn't come out yet, but I can see into the future, and it's going to be great!

How can you see everybody's lives and know what everybody's doing?
SUB JESUS: Tivo

I want to sell some Jesus heads before it's too late. Can I get a bulk or wholesale discount?
SUB JESUS: Go to our resellers page for information.

Who's the babe in the commercial? She's hot!!
SUB JESUS: Which babe? There are three commercials. The blonde in #1 is Dani Leon (who can also be seen in the Pirromount films Color-Blinded and Rectuma. The redhead in #2 is Lauren Joy, and the blonde in #3 is Angelique Hennessy. Happy stalking.

Have you seen Jerry Fallwell since he died?
SUB JESUS: Sure have. He's St. Peter's Bitch now.

Give 'em Hell, Jesus!!!
SUB JESUS: Hell is imaginary, but we'll keep giving 'em logic.

This toy hurts me so. Why would you do something like this when there are more positive things you can do? Read the Bible.
SUB JESUS: We have read the Bible. And as sanctioned by it, we thought about stoning people who work on Sundays (Exodus 31:15), force our women to be submissive (1 Corinthians 14) capturing and then beating a few slaves (Exodus 21:20), killing our own obnoxious kids (Lev 20:9, Deut 21) and kill some other kids in front of their parents (Isaiah 13, Hosea 13, Numbers 31), but making a plastic toy seemed so much more civilized.

I don't know what to pray for.
SUB JESUS: How about more atheists?

I got my Submissive Jesus Toy today and I can't believe how fast it got here. I just placed the order three days ago and it was on my door this morning. I haven't been able to put it down. Why didn't you tell us this would be so addicting?
SUB JESUS: You didn't ask. I'm happy that you are enjoying me though.

I hope and pray that this product disappears.
SUB JESUS: You can hope, dream, wish and pray. We'll act.

What's so bad about living your life by the words of the Bible today?
SUB JESUS: Try operating your computer using a DOS manual.

What happens to all the foreskins when babies are circumsized? Do you somehow collect all the tips? If so, what do you do with them?
SUB JESUS: Why yes, we do collect them. They make great beanbag chairs.

My wife is cheating on me. Can I kill her?
SUB JESUS: Thou shalt not kill. Don't worry though. I'll smite the bitch for you.

Jesus- Do you love your Hanes underwear brief as much as people say you do? Do you stand at the top of the mountain declaring your love of Hanes underwear- my friend says you do!
SUB JESUS: Your friend is wrong. I don't wear underwear at all. In fact, I get upset when I see pictures of me on the cross wearing a diaper.

Dear Jesus, are you still friends with Mel Gibson?
SUB JESUS: Don't get me started on him. The bastard promised me royalties and I still haven't seen one sheckel.

So now Paris Hilton has become one of your followers. How do you feel about that?
SUB JESUS: I plan on changing my phone number again.

Is there anything out there more insightful than the Bible?
SUB JESUS: Internet porn.

Is there intelligent life on other planets?
SUB JESUS: There's barely intelligent life on THIS planet.

I still don't understand what your dying on the cross has to do with anything. Please explain.
SUB JESUS: Nothing to explain. It's like a David Lynch film. Just accept it and move on.

Hey, did you really tell your deciples to eat your body and drink your blood?
SUB JESUS: Yep. You should have seen their faces when I brought out a tray of sausages.

Jesus, I need a good carpenter. Will you come down and remodel my kitchen and how much do you charge?
SUB JESUS: I don't think you can afford my rates. Just my traveling expenses are in the millions.

What time is it?
SUB JESUS: Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

Why is it taking you sooooo long to come back?
SUB JESUS: I tried three times and gave up. Parking is such a bitch.

Did people get high in Biblical times?
SUB JESUS: Talking serpents, water into wine, parting seas and flying angels, what do YOU think?

How can you allow so much pain, suffering and evil in the world?
SUB JESUS: You're talking to a fictional character. Wrap your mind around that concept and the rest is easy to figure out.

Did you and Judas ever get it on?
SUB JESUS: Don't ask, don't tell.

Why are religious women usually so fugly and repressed?
SUB JESUS: If they were getting great sex, you think they'd be talking to me?

Why don't our belly buttons close up after we're born?
SUB JESUS: So you can have a place to put the salt shaker when you're eating in bed.

I got my Submissive Jesus yesterday and I love it!! Any new god toys coming out?
SUB JESUS: Watch for "The Suicidal Mohammad" Virgins sold separately.

Will my boyfriend become aware that Jesus truly exists?
SUB JESUS: Not unless he goes to prison, becomes drug dependant or has an I.Q. in double digits.

Seriously, how reliable is prayer? Not with you, I mean prayer in church.
SUB JESUS: Prayer is about as reliable as a two dollar watch.

Do you honestly believe that creating a toy ridiculing Jesus is productive?
SUB JESUS: More productive than getting upset over it.

Jesus, can I get a free head?
SUB JESUS: Sorry Pisano, Italians have to paya da hookers justa lika everybody else.

I'm sure a lot of people are praying for you right now.
SUB JESUS: There're probably a lot of people masturbating right now too. What's your point?

What would Jesus do?
SUB JESUS: Isn't it obvious? Run a website and sell toys.

You fuckers better hope that you never run into me!!!
SUB JESUS: If I do, I'll be sure to be in a car.

Why won't God cure amputees? They deserve healing too.
SUB JESUS: Yeah, but they don't have a leg to stand on.

Hey Jesus, I want your body!
SUB JESUS: It's yours! Go to a church and eat me!

What did God do before he created the heavens and the earth?
SUB JESUS: Excessive masturbation.

Why is there pain and suffering in the world?
SUB JESUS: Where else would we put it?

Dear Jesus, Ginger or Mary Ann?
SUB JESUS: Mr. Howell. It's complicated.

Why are there atheists?
SUB JESUS: Someone has to run the world after the religious have killed off each other.

Who would win in a fight: You, Mohammad, Superman or Arnold Schwartezenegger?
SUB JESUS: Arnold. He really exists.

Jesus, I think my wife is turning lesbo. How can I find out?
SUB JESUS: Look at the tips of her fingers. If they're in another woman's vagina, that's a clue.

Dear Jesus, do Jews get to go to Heaven?
SUB JESUS: Of course they do. Who do you think handles our accounting?

What the fuck is your problem?!!
SUB JESUS: Well, for one thing...you.

I will pray for you.
SUB JESUS: I appreciate that. Up here, prayers are like food stamps. Six more prayers and I get steak.

Hey man, what is it like in hell?
SUB JESUS: Kind of like spending a weekend in East L.A.

Dear jesus, Do you think your crucifixion was the best way to drum up advertising support for Israel's nail-manufacturing industry?
SUB JESUS: They didn't use nails on me. That's another falsehood in that stupid book they wrote about me. Actually they used velcro and super glue.

Hey, you're not fooling anyone, Jesus! I know you don't look like that. Born in the middle east with straight hair, white skin and blue eyes? Come on!!! How gullible do you think we humans are?
SUB JESUS: Okay, you got me. I don't really look like this. This is my American cool hero face. If I showed you what I really looked like, I don't think I would have as many followers. I kinda look like Osama bin Laden, but I have cuter eyes.

Dear Jesus, I am 12 years old. My older brother says you're not real. I think you are. Are you?
SUB JESUS: It's clear to see that you got all the brains in the family. Of course I'm real! Ironically, I was discussing this very subject the other day with my good friend the tooth fairy!!

I hate to bother you, but why are most of your followers so ignorant?
SUB JESUS: Come on now, let's not be judgmental. That's just for me and my dad to be. But to answer your question: beats the hell out of me!

Do you like queers?
SUB JESUS: What is it with you people and all the gay questions? Yes I like queers! Who do you think decorates Heaven?

Dear Sub Jesus, how do you feel about getting banned from Myspace?
SUB JESUS: There's an old saying from a children's storybook, I forget the book or which mythological character said it, but it goes something like this: "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing," or something gay like that. Words to live by.

Hey Jesus, what happened to Delusional Prayer Nut? I miss him.
SUB JESUS: They took away his crayons and put him back in the padded cell, with only his bible and a toilet. He still gets the two confused.

Jesus, give moses back his pie or I'll smite you. Love Dad
PS, let's have a man to man talk later.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS: Ok, ok, he can have his damn pie! Christ dad, I'm 2007 years old! When will you start treating me like an adult!

will me and morgan ever get back together? Also, will we ever get a kitten?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS: Not until you get that grammar right! Come on, Matt. That's 'will Morgan and I...'. Regarding getting a kitten, yes. And you'll name it 'Bootsie.'

How can an idiot like George W. Bush even exist? Can't you smite him or something?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS: With this country's collective mentality, there are some miracles even I can't perform.

Jesus, will my dick grow longer than 3 inches? And it's also crooked..like you know, a little to the left...is that a bad thing or do girls dig it?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS: My records here indicate you were born female. Check your birth certificate. That might be your clit. If it IS your clit, and it's crooked, time for Dr. 90210
Oh my lord, it makes sense after all! Thanks Jesus, I'll get right on it.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Wise choice, my daughter.

Why is it that no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Lower your standards. I did and look who I attract.

Dear Jesus, Why am I GAY?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Because you like penises.

Think your very cool. and just want to ask.
How did more people get on earth besides adam and eve? Lena
Chris
Very simple Lena, evolution. The scientific fact that when certian species branch off and live in different enviroment they adapt to their surrondings and create a variation of that species. Also, I think when god made a copy of his ass on the heavenly copy machine he made clones of adam and eve.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Hey, who's cutting in on my business? This is "Ask Submissive Jesus" not ask Chris. Not a bad explanation though, but not enough fun and fantasy. I prefer the rib story myself.
Chris
Sorry submissive jesus, I know your busy so I thought I would help out plastic talking lord.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: No harm, no foul, but leave the lordin' to the LORD! P.S. we may have a job waiting for you when you get up here.

dam you jesus! you stole my pie you bitch!! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!! so give my pie back!!
sincerely your pal moses
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: We've been through this already! You ain't getting any damn pie back, so deal with it!

Tesla
Thanks Submissive Jesus!
SUB JESUS RESONDS: You are very welcome, my child.

Will I ever find a boyfriend? John
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Of course you will. I found twelve.

lonely passion girl
Submissive Jesus, will you marry me?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry, I'm saving myself. Jesus saves, get it?

Jesus, I want to have sex with every woman I see. Is that okay?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Every woman? Be careful what you wish for. Have you ever been to a PETA rally?

can we smoke a joint toggether????
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: My social calendar is booked for quite some time. I can pencil you in for July 15, 2093. I'll bring the munchies.

Will I ever be married?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Who do you think I am, Sylvia Brown? Ok, just this once. No.

I´ve always wondered -born and raised in a cardbox, so I couldn´t go check myself- What does the "H" in parodist "Jesus H. Christ" mean? PLZ I need it for my semestre work.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Stands for 'Hallowed' (as in Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed by thy middle name). Which brings us to the reason why women should never pick children's names when they're having PMS.

Dear J., plz end my pain...the pain of not having a car!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: There's an old proverb used frequently in Beverly Hills: I lamented that I had no Lexus until I saw the man who had no BMW. Get a bike.

May I have one million dollars by the end of the hour, please.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Check under your bed.

hey jesus its moses! you took my pie give it back or ill part the sea and drown your ass! >_>
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry dude, it's mine. You want it? Come and get it, pussy.

Can you really make people better in bed or is that fake?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Of course I can. Why do you think they always scream out my name? They're asking for help.

Can you tell that goober Jerry Falwell i'm a necrophiliac and his ass is mine?
Pun intended.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I'm sure he knows.

Dear Jesus, Does the girl at schoool like me?
P.S: You rock buddy :)
Your bud
--Codypelma
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Does she ever. But you have to stop drooling when you speak to her.

I think that the product is hilarious, i am a christian, but we all are entitled to our own beliefs. so what im saying is, lets not say that God or Jesus are "fictional". u can say that u dont belive but u dnt have to be offensive
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: God IS fictional...but I'm not. Buy me and you'll see.

Satan
Hey Jesus, are you black or white or something else? I'm hungry.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I am white and plastic and run on three AAA batteries. Go eat something.

when will i et the girl of my dreams ?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: June 14th, 2014

will I ever meet Lena katina?
To: Dumb ass
From: Breann
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Nope. She's hiding from your ugly ass.

What is your plan to save the world?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: No saving here. The world will destroy itself then we'll start over again. Only this time, we'll make the monkeys a bit more intelligent from the beginning.

What are your plans to extinguish life on our planet? Do you at all? What about the non-christian, eastern regions? Do they get spared, so to leave the world in parts? Will you only destroy sitcom? What about that Mary Magdalena, anyway? Yu still got dibs on her?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: You ask a lot of questions. Just be a good Christian and accept without questioning. Assume I know what I'm doing.

what is my middle name? Thanks, Bob
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Percy.

can i please suck joe's cock?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: What's stopping you?

i pray that on monday meline get's fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plese plese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: It'll take more than a few days. Anyway, I only answer prayers under torture.

were does water come from
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: The ocean.

can you lower the price for a poor man?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Every once in awhile we run specials (we had a Mother's Day special with a $10 rebate. You'll just have to keep checking back. Sometimes you can find them cheaper on Ebay. UPDATE: Check out our "Deluded Prayer Nut" special running through the end of May. You must research it, my son.

TheOne
I heard your a fat drunk white cracker who had nothing else to do but make a stupid ass talking jesus toy. is that true fatty?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: No, do other things too, like respond to slow witted rednecks that don't know the difference between 'your' and you're'. Learn to write intelligently if you want Submissive Jesus to take you seriously.

Why does kassidy not like me?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Keep working on her. She'll come around.

Is Christianity only supposed to be for white people and Islam for sand people?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: No, ignorance is the only true qualification for either cult.

Easter Bunny
Tough break, brother. Now everyone's gonna want one, and you'll have to answer prayers non-stop! Fortunately no one's come up with an idea to force ME to grant wishes. I guess I must be lucky. (After all, I do have TWO rabbits feet.)
Peace out homie, Peter Cottontail
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Hey Petey! Nice to hear from you again. Don't worry, you're safe. Most people actually think you're fictitious. Can you believe that nonsense? I can't understand how people can be so naive.

Easter Bunny
I know! And I even leave them custom hand-painted plastic or real Easter eggs every year! That's hard proof of my existence! And good ol' Saint Nick. Every year he travels around the globe, dropping off presents. More tangible evidence. And people think he's imaginary too!
Why, Jesus, do people believe in you, when you've been working miracles behind the scenes, leaving no hard proof or tangible evidence all along? What more do *I* have to do to get them to believe in me too? Your pal, The Easter Bunny
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Dear Easter Bunny: People believe in me because I didn't Jew out on hiring the best and most expensive PR firm I could. Big mistake. Trust me. You don't want people believing in you. If I could take it all back, I would.

ami
hey submissive jesus please help me pass all of my final exams on monday and tuesday it would mean alot to me
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry, I only respond to torture. Buy me and twist the crown...then we'll see.

Tesla
Submissive Jesus, will you please make sure my boyfriend isn't cheating on me? Sometimes I worry... : (
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Don't worry! You can do better than him! Besides, he'll be impotent at 32.

Travis
]KKK go away, quit being gay, all day, by the bay...you fucking fagot! P.S. Leave Submissive Jesus alone he kicks ass and will kick yours if I twist his head!....Bitch!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Thanks for the defense, Travis, but we need to take the high road here. Noah brought two baboons on the ark to mate so we would have people like the KKK guy for our amusement.

Chris
Dear Submissive Jesus,
I need you to clear something up, In your ficticous book you call being gay an abomination, do you really hate us gay people or was it meant as something else?
SUB JESUS: The only abomination is that people in today's day and age take this fantasy book seriously.

Is it possible to fuck my girlfriend up the ass and have it come out the neden?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: You kiss your mother with that mouth? I do.

Does the girl I love at school love me back?
From: Breann
to: Fake jesus
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: that's Submissive Jesus, not fake Jesus (although I have to admit, we're both about as 'real' as department store Santa Clauses). Anyway, the girl you love in school thinks you're gay. Sorry you had to hear it from me.

Dear Submissive Jesus:
is there such thing as evolution?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Yes, but reading KK's comments (see below, like a snake), you'll notice that in some cases it hasn't started yet.

Hey Submissive Jesus, can you send a bolt of fiery justice to strike down KK, their name is very close to KKK which freaks me out because they are acting like a religious f**ktard who can't take a joke
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Lightning bolts don't work on retards. It just makes them better banjo players.

hey maybe if we are lucky KK will win a Darwinism Award eventually?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Never happen. The Darwin Awards only apply to humans. Mr. KK doesn't qualify.

kk
I HOPE YOU DO NOT REALY THINK THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS IN THE LONG RUN.RIGHT ? I HOPE YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SOMEONE WILL SUE YOU!!RIGHT? OHH WAIT A MINUTE YOU GUYS ARE THAT STUPID! I KNOW MORE THAN YOU ABOUT GOD AND JESUS. I HATE YOU ALL AND I DO NOT SAY That offten!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: You obviously don't spell it 'offten' either.

Niko
You are the type of person that gives good christians a bad name. People like you Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson. Everyone that uses the bible to twist and manipulate for others to hate and condemn. Read your bible one of these days see how much hypocracy there is inside of it. Loathing, hating, slavery, mysogyny, puritanism. Go and get yourself an intellect- and maybe a dictionary as well.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I couldn't have said it better myself. Me Bless You, Niko.

I think you need to relax. What happened to live and let live?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Ian Fleming ripped it off and made it the title of a James Bond flick.

Jesus!
Have I sinned, or am i going to heaven?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Neither

kk
our complaints never cross you.you people to not give a shit.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Please don't say 'cross.' I really have a problem with that word.

dear asshole, when will i win the lottery?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Well with that attitude, never.

hi "guy pretending to be jesus",
im just wondering why you think you should be making fun of jesus. and if you deny it, i would just read your stupid remark about jesus falling on a banana peel after the Faithful one asked if you died for his/her sins. so my real question is, do you think god will forgive you for making fun of jesus christ?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Dear respondent pretending to be intelligent. God is imaginary. Grasp that concept and you might just save 10% of your income and 100% of your sanity.

kk
what is your problem i hope god is not lookin down on u! an i hope he has mersy on your soul.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Tip for you, Clem: pick up a dictionary, about $4.00.

you should kick mr peanuts ass that would be funny stuff
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Already did. Where do you think peanut butter comes from?

Will I find $5 dollars today?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Yes, just look in your wallet.

bored
i wanna know.. were you ever attracted to one of your disciple's?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Just Peter. I don't know, it was something about the name. And he was hung like a Llama.

let me find 5$dollars under my pillow tonight.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: That's not my department, but I'm good friends with whose department it is. Anyway, it will require you losing a tooth.

In your whole life.. how many times have you gotten laid? :D
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: 10,893, oh wait 10,894, I forgot one night with Peter after a water/wine binge.

kk
what is your guys problem i hope somebody sues you so bad you have to pray to jesus so u guys can find five dollars!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Please don't bother the submissive Jesus if your I.Q. is less than 70.

KK, y are u even still on here? READ THE BIBLE if u are actually capable of independant thought you'd see that History, Science and even THE BIBLE doesn't fit with the bible, read the whole thing and see how many times it contradicts itself
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: The key problem here is 'read.'

8thiest
Why did you allow adam and eve to wear clothes? now we ALL have to. there are so many women i need to see naked, and so little time ...
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I NEVER wanted Eve to cover up, just Adam. He kept playing with his winkie all the time. Sometime you have to take the good with the bad.

kk
what is your guys problem i hope somebody sues you so bad you have to pray to jesus for forgiveness!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: File a suit. I'll always be here.

u have to beg your God to forgive u? what type of bullshit is that
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Now now, language please. You're in the presence of Jesus, ME DAMN IT!

Storm
Is religion a bunch of bull$#!t? Because I sure think it is
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Of course it is. But don't tell too many people, they'll stop sending me money.

Storm
Is Mel Gibson going to hell for making that crappy movie "The Passion"?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Naw, if I were to penalize filmmakers for crappy films, I'd have started with 'Battlefield Earth.'
kk
why would he. i loved that move .everybody who likes this thing is going to hell.if u guys do not ask forgiveness!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Thanks for the heads up. Get it? Heads up?? Crown? Twist? head? Oh, the Submissive Jesus cracks himself up.

where you embarrassed by how crazy and scitzo the made you look on Passion of the Christ?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Naw. I'm just glad they got a white guy to play me.

Mr. Wright
JESUS H. CHRIST!! Where have you been all my life?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Same place as in everyone else's life: In your imagination.

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: We're checking Mapquest, but can't seem to find it. Could you send us the directions you used last time you were there?

LG
Jesus, did you really die on that cross, or were you just in a coma for three days?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Actually, it was my stunt double, Jesse. That idiot would do anything for a few shekels. We told him it would be just for an hour, then we left him. What a moron!

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: You can't be a REAL Christian. You actually spelled everything correctly. Be honest. Someone typed this for you, didn't they?

Jesus, why do people hate this talking head when it is a great idea?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: The only ones who hate the head are the ones who've never gotten any head. Trust me, I'm Jesus, I know all. If you didn't get any, you'd start making imaginary friends too.

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Ahhh, I can feel the Christian love. It warms my heart.

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Hell is imaginary, but thank you for the suggestion.

Dear Jesus,
Please come back to this world and make everything better, or at least come over and have dinner and we'll hang out. I'd really like to know you better.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I AM back in this world. You can buy me through this website. Then we can chat all night long.

Steve from Chicago
Dear Lord, why does my penis trouble me so?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: You secretly want to be a woman. Check into sex reassignment surgery and all will be fine.
Steve from Chicago
Jesus Christ!! That was a secret dude!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: There are no secrets with me.

why do people live
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: If they didn't, they'd be dead...or worse, live in Utah.

If I keep touching myself, will my weiner fall off?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: No, but you may eventually need glasses.

will michael become pregnant?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS REPLIES: Michael will not become pregnant. Michael is a boy. Boys can not have babies. He will, however, adopt a goat.

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Been there. your grandma says hi.

Don't you LOVE kittens ?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I sure do! Expecially sauteed with garlic and onions. Mmmm mmmm. A taste to die by crucifixion for!!

kk
to the makers of submissive jesus GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: I think you left out one 'K' in your name. Sieg Heil!

Dear J - Can you tell me where to get Pirromount films?
You know we need more entertainment here!
SUB JESUS SAYS: go to www.pirromount.com, my son. You can get at least six Pirromount films there. For the other two...try Ebay.

i pray that on monday meline get's fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plese plese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Buy her some chocolates and let nature do the rest.

Jesus, did you really die for my sins?
SUB JESUS SAYS: No. Actually I just slipped on a banana peel and hit my head on the concrete. However, I had a great PR firm.

kk
JESUS REALY DID DIE FOR US. NEVER THINK OTHER WISE!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Buy another 'L.' They're cheap.